“Thus I live in the World, rather as a Spectator of Mankind, than as one of the Species; by which means I have made my self a Speculative Statesman, Soldier, Merchant, and Artizan, without ever medling with any Practical Part in Life.” – Joseph Addison
I watch a lot of plays without actually being a part of them. I mean, I might have painted a plank of wood or perhaps met one or two of the actors, but I don’t really do much. And I am so extremely jealous of people who can find themselves being a part of something that gets the attention of others. What I mean is that I definitely want to be part of the theatre world but doing so is very much out of my comfort zone. Thus I am identified as spectator.
Do I actually like being a spectator? Yes, no, maybe. Do I think I am capable of being as good as the people working in the theatres? I don’t have as much experience, no, but I think I can learn. But it is so hard for me to feel like I can be as competent as others. I don’t want to identify myself as being an introvert but being an extrovert doesn’t mean you are comfortable with performing on stage, does it?
Of course, people say that if you are afraid to act, you can always participate backstage. The thing is for some odd reason, that also takes me out of the comfort zone. I mean, I’ve painted for PRC last year and I’m in Drama 191 (scenery) this semester, and seriously, I just somehow always think I’m doing something wrong and it’s going to mess up the entire show. I can’t tell if I’m doing something correctly or not. And sometimes people in charge won’t tell you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings and later after you leave, they just quietly “fix”/redo everything you’ve done because you did it completely wrong. I just want to learn, people.
Really, the whole drama experience constantly makes me uncomfortable. The people aren’t the nicest and the work is so…stressful…and I don’t really know why I’m a drama major. I mean I like plays…maybe it’s the emo side of me who wants to constantly bring stress and pain in my own life or something. Or maybe I’m just stubborn. Probably the latter. I mean, there are stories about theatre making people more confident. That hasn’t quite happened to me yet but we’ll see, I guess.
I know exactly what you’re saying. No confidence in yourself, yet no reason to not be confident. But hey, I don’t even have anything to really say here, yet I’m still about to click Submit Comment.
God, I get that lack of confidence thing. I get the most terrible stage fright. That’s why I go out on stage when I can, though; I feel it’s a fear I feel I can overcome. (That separates it from a variety of fears I don’t think I’ll ever get over, like roller coasters and getting my blood taken.)
Hmm. I can see that. I know that I am far too nervous to even perform onstage JUST as a background actor, let alone with a speaking role.
On the other hand, it’s nowhere near as intimidating as actually giving a speech, because acting is one thing, speeches are another. (why am I in biology again?)
I guess, you just have to try it out once, I think. Just to see. It’s much easier if you’re performing in front of your friends, in a small group, or something.